Bollywood Report: First Quarter (January to March)

So we have come to the end of the first quarter and here is a crisp report on how the films fared. Some films have been excluded from this list because of (a) No one gave a fuck (b) I really wasn’t in the mood to watch a crappy movie (c) I didn’t give a fuck.



Mr Joe B. Carvalho Comedy Samir Tewari Arshad Warsi,

Soha Ali Khan,

Javed Jaffrey,

Vijay Raaz

A yawn fest. Don’t bother. Why did I bother? I must have been drunk.


Sholay 3D Action/Adventure Ramesh Sippy Dharmendra,

Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini,

Jaya Bhaduri, Sanjeev Kumar, Amjad Khan,

A.K. Hangal

A unique cinematic experience. Even if you don’t give a damn about 3D or are too prissy about watching your favourite Hindi movie in 3D, watching Sholay on the big screen is an adventure in itself. I have been forever jealous of my folks for having seen the film at the theatre. Mission finally accomplished.


Dedh Ishqiya Black Comedy/Thriller Abhishek Chaubey Naseeruddin Shah, Arshad Warsi, Madhuri Dixit,

Huma Qureshi

For someone who always stresses on the screenplay and plotline for cinema and theatre, Dedh Ishqiya remains a dilemma. The plot is mediocre, the storyline is easily predictable. But, in a very surprising manner, the film seems unaffected by this major gaffe. Read complete review here.


Yaariyan Romance Divya Khosla Kumar Himansh Kohli, Shreyas Porus Pardiwalla,

Dev Sharma,

Nicole Faria,

Rakul Preet


A wannabe American Pie. But half-baked and with a wobbly crust, if you get my drift.


Karle Pyaar Karle Romance Rajesh Pandey Shiv Darshan, Hasleen Kaur Ho-hum.


Miss Lovely Drama Ashim Ahluwalia Nawazuddin


Niharika Singh

At the heart of the film lies a love story that fails to stand the test of ambition, greed and practicality. Based in the C-grade film industry of Mumbai, two lovers share a doomed relationship that suffers disastrous consequences. Therefore, the basic storyline has nothing new to offer. Read the full review here.


Paranthe Wali Gali Romantic comedy Sachin Gupta Anuj Saxena,

Neha Pawar,

Mohinder Gujral, Vijayant Kohli, Himanshu Thakkar, Yuvraj Haral

Forgettable. Did I even watch this film? (My point exactly)


Strings Of Passion Drama Sanghamitra Chaudhari Zeenat Aman,

Indrani Haldar,

Shubh Mukherjee,

Rajesh Sharma

 Don’t bother. 
Jai Ho Action Sohail Khan Salman Khan,

Daisy Shah,

Tabu, Sana Khan, Danny Denzongpa, Mohnish Behl,

Vatsal Seth,

Suniel Shetty,

Genelia D’Souza

Ugh again. Let me crack a joke: Question – Who is the director of Jai Ho?  Answer – Sohail Khan.


One by Two Romance/Comedy Devika Bhagat Abhay Deol,

Preeti Desai,

Rati Agnihotri,

Jayant Kripalani, Darshan Jariwala, Lilette Dubey,

Anish Trivedi

Would I recommend a watch? Yes. Would I watch it again? No. Read full review here.





Babloo Happy Hai Comedy Nila Madhab Panda Sahil Anand,

Erica Fernandes, Preet Kamal,

Sumit Suri,

Amol Parashar, Reyhna Malhotra, Parvin Dabas,

Anu Choudhury, Pooja Tawde, Khusbhoo Purohit, Mika Singh

Left me very unhappy. Wanted to kill myself. And the director. And the actors. And a lot of people. Mass murder inducing.


Hasee Toh Phasee Romance/Comedy Vinil Mathew Sidharth Malhotra, Parineeti Chopra, Adah Sharma A very interesting rom-com which is fresh, quirky and strays from the usual formulaic treatments of love-ishq-mohabbat. A lot like My Best Friend’s Wedding where love catches you unaware.


Heartless Thriller Shekhar Suman Adhyayan Suman, Ariana Ayam,

Om Puri,

Deepti Naval,

Madan Jain,

Shekhar Suman

Shekhar Suman, thou art heartless. Who puteth his audience through such hellfire? Speaketh thee!


Ya Rab Drama/Social Hasnain Hyderabadwala Manzar Sehbai,

Ajaz Khan,

Akhilendra Mishra, Raju Kher,

Kishori Shahane, Vikram Singh

An interesting premise and a debate-worthy dilemma. My partner in crime and got into a heated one mid-film. While the performances suck (SUCK!), the film makes you ask questions. And for that, it deserves a pat.


Gunday                                                Romance/Action Ali Abbas Zafar Ranveer Singh,

Arjun Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Irrfan Khan

But now we are bored. Within seconds, we have achieved everything. Calcutta is known only for two things now – Howrah Bridge and Bikram-Bala. Not the roshogolla. Not Durga pujo. Not Tagore-Ray-Communism-Lazy Bengalis-Football. No. Calcutta is known for two illegal businessman with their fans waving Communist flags while they sing-and-dance in designer wear. Read full review here.


Kaho Na Kaho Social Sanjay Niranjan Sikandar,



Fell asleep 10 minutes into the film.


Darr @ the Mall                                                Horror Pawan Kripalani Jimmy Shergill, Nushrat Bharucha, Arif Zakaria,

Asif Basra, Nivedita Bhattacharya

A commendable effort, the film is creepy and gives you the right kind of chills. Thankfully, it takes horror out of the ‘bhoot bangla’ and ‘bhatakti atma’ and gives us a dose of urban legend. The editor and the VFX team deserves a pat.


Highway                                              Drama/Romance Imtiaz Ali Randeep Hooda,

Alia Bhatt

A brave director who has nothing to lose. An actor who has sharpened his craft. A starlet who proved her mettle. And how. Highway is a masterpiece, a sliver of honest and fearless film making from a team who does not give a hoot about commercial rules or box office calculations. While the screenplay falters at parts and the music is forgettable, what remains with you is a bundle of complex emotions portrayed to the hilt by exceptional actors.


Shaadi Ke Side Effects                                  Romance/Comedy Saket Chaudhary Farhan Akhtar,

Vidya Balan,

Vir Das,

Ram Kapoor,

Gautami Kapoor,

Ila Arun,


Purab Kohli,

Rati Agnihotri

I never use the word ‘pakao’ but nothing describes this film better. And yes, thank you for ripping off Modern Family gags. Mothers of this country, please give birth to original scriptwriters.





Gulaab Gang                                      Social/Action Soumik Sen Madhuri Dixit,

Juhi Chawla

A cinematic treat to watch the likes of Madhuri, Juhi, and Priyanka Bose in this performance driven social drama. Juhi Chawla, why didn’t you find this ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude before?


Queen                                  Romance/Drama Vikas Bahl Kangana Ranaut, Rajkummar Rao, Lisa Haydon Kangana, you wonderful wonderful thing.


Total Siyappa                                     Drama/Comedy E Niwas Ali Zafar,

Yami Gautam,

Sara Khan,

Anupam Kher,

Kiron Kher

Just not enough siyappa. But Ali Zafar is drool worthy. Yami Gautam sells fairness creams better.


Bewakoofiyaan                                                Romance Nupur Asthana Ayushmann Khurrana,

Sonam Kapoor, Rishi Kapoor

Idiocy. Ayushmann, stop trying to create versions of Vicky. Your acting days are numbered. Sonam, stop trying to act. Make clothes, little girl, go play ‘dress up’ with your sister.


Ankhon Dekhi                                                                   Comedy Rajat Kapoor Sanjay Mishra, Rajat Kapoor,

Samit Das, Brijendra Kala

I confess I haven’t seen it yet. But have only been hearing good reviews. Looking forward to catch it soon.


Gang of Ghosts                                 Horror Comedy Satish Kaushik Sharman Joshi, Mahie Gill,

Anupam Kher, Meera Chopra, Saurabh Shukla, Chunky Pandey

Do not remake a Bengali cult classic if you do not have a talent pool to match the original. And of all films, you wanted to mess around with Bhooter Bhobishyot? Really?


Lakshmi                                               Social drama Nagesh Kukunoor Monali Thakur, Satish Kaushik, Shefali Shetty,

Ram Kapoor

Brutal. Period.
Ragini MMS 2    Horror Bhushan Patel Sunny Leone, Parvin Dabas,

Divya Dutta

Boobs, banshees and bitches…oh, did I mention bullshit?


Photo courtesy: Google images


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