Why are men scared of vaginas?

stegelinTEASE

Let me tell you something, men are scared of vaginas. True fact. Ask any man about vaginas and they’ll tell you how many they have been in. Put them in front of one, and a thousand thoughts come into their head.

Here are three scenarios based on just one parameter – Hair. Down there.

Too much hair

Does that mean she is not hygienic? Will she have germs? Should I eat pussy? Maybe not. But does she want me to eat pussy? Let’s not get into that, no eating pussy. Is she wet yet? What if she is not wet yet? Do I need to eat pussy then? Thik hai, chalo, thoda sa. But wait. What if it is one of those days? Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. No pussy eating. Decided. Why on earth could she not shave, man? I have to use a condom…do I have a condom?

Too little or no hair

How does she shave that close? That is quite a clean shave. I want a shave like that. What razor does she use? Can I ask her that? Maybe later. But this is too clean a shave. Looks like a little girl’s pussy. A little more hair would have been better. Wait…how old did she say she was? What if she is young? What if she hasn’t been, you know, de-flowered yet? Am I her first? Can I ask her? But she’ll lie. They always lie. I am her first time. I have to be really really good then. What if I am not that good? What if she doesn’t like it? What if I hurt her? But what if I am very good? What if she gets emotionally attached to me? What if she wants to date me? Marry me? Have babies?

Just the right kind of hair AND/OR a professionally trimmed landing strip

Ooh la la. That looks perfect. But wait, does she watch porn? Women watch porn? Look at that, she must watch porn. She’ll have ‘big’ expectations then. Am I big enough? Yeah, I’m big enough. Am I? I have never compared it to anyone. And she watches porn. She looks all experienced and stuff. She must be fucking around a lot. Slut. She’ll compare me to all the guys she has been with. Am I good in bed? What if I am not good enough? What if I can’t make her cum? What if I cum too early? What if she gets bored? What if she falls asleep? What if I can’t get it up? What if she wants to do a position I don’t know about? Wait, is it up yet?

See what I was talking about? The thing is, men don’t understand what a vagina is thinking. It is not like the penis. When a penis likes something, it finds it hard to hide its approval. It is like a switch. You know when it is on and when it is off. The vagina is a socket. The switch is nowhere to be seen. We have no bloody idea what is going on inside.

I have spoken to men who tell me that the vagina’s ability to multi-task is a turn off. So, you have sex with it, which is all hot and fine and stuff, but babies also come out of it. And being men, we have absolutely no clue what getting a baby out of a vagina is all about. But after the baby is out, we are expected to pull our pants down and get back to having sex with it. AND, to top it all, that happens from there too. Now, babies are fine. But men are absolutely, most definitely, earth-shatteringly confused about periods. They find it gross, disgusting, don’t-want-to-talk-about-it-during-meals, wrap-the-packet-of-Stayfree-in-newspaper-so-that-they-don’t-see-it…What is this aversion to periods? I have no idea.

I spoke to a few women recently and asked them to describe their monthly girl time to me. As a woman, how would you describe your periods to a guy? Here are some valiant (and colourful) efforts:

“Imagine a bunch of fat gnomes hanging from your nuts. For five days straight.”

“I could kickbox your crotch for a few days.  First hand experience.”

“Imagine pain. Now multiply that by a 1000.”

“It’s like having oatmeal porridge stuffed in you knickers. Even at night, while you sleep.”

I don’t think it is possible for men to understand what it is all about, but if you have a vivid imagination, you might have a picture by now.

Honestly, straight men have an almost homosexual aversion for the vagina. It is not as well-loved as the breasts or the ass. How many times have you come across guys discussing “she has such an amazing pussy”? Boobs? Yes. Ass? Yes. Legs? Yes. Vagina? No. It is hidden away, covered in hair mostly, not a pretty thing; there is absolutely nothing sexy about a vagina.

But, even after all this dislike, disgust, disconnect with it, men believe they have a sense of ownership over the vagina. As if, it belonged to them. What does a woman have to do with a vagina, anyway? We want to “believe” that Indian women don’t touch themselves. We also “believe” that after a few children, mothers are too busy to bother about their vaginas. What use does a working mother of two have of a vagina? Men have to use them, right?

This displaced sense of ownership over vaginas is what gives men a delusional sense of power. The vagina is nothing but a representation of all that is woman. And the belief that the most important part of your body belongs to me more than you is the foundation of sexual abuse. I, the MAN, have the right to judge a vagina and decide how I would like it to be. You will trim if I do not like hair. You will go through surgery if I don’t think you are tight enough. Or, you will buy and use vaginal tightening creams to feel “like a virgin” again, because, even though I make it seem like it is for your pleasure, all along, I need to feel like I am fucking one. Even if you are horny, I will not fuck you during your periods. I proclaim you ‘Dirty’, ‘Unclean’, ‘Not in the state to perform religious rituals’ even though you are going through a natural, physiological process in preparation of bearing my offspring.

Let’s stop telling women what to do with their vaginas. If the vagina approves of you, it will come to you, embrace you, let you inside its heart and soul.

Also, by the way, cunt is a beautiful word. Stop using it as an abuse. Just like pussy. It means cat and cats are not exactly weak or stupid.

Here’s to all your vaginas, you beautiful gorgeous women. Salud!